It's that time of year again as those corporate whores from a once proud musical institution retreat ever further into mainstream middle class banality with their annual 'less controversial than the Brits' DAIRYLEA LUNCHABLES NME AWARDs. This year's not-at-all predictable- our-sponsors-can-bank-on-these-fellars-to-shift-a-few-lunchbox-treat nominees are :
Best British Band
Polar Foxes
Baby Monkeys
The Crabs
The Crux
The Ku Klux Klax
The Klix
The Kaiserz
Musk
Mask
The Angelic Upstarts
The Beatles
The Battles
The Bottles
Dick n‘ Dom
Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick n’ Twat
Best International BandArcade Fighters
The Foo Fire
The Fiery Fire Fighters
The Kissers
The Kippers
The Collars
The Kings Of Swing
Leon & The Pig Farmers
The Pigs
The Piss
My Comical Relapse
Best New Band
The Enema
The NME
The Dailylea Lunchables Enemy
Public Anemone
Fools
Mules
Moles
Poles
Joe Tex & The Jim Jam Jums
Disco Tex & The Sex-o-Lets
The Wombat Detectives
Lt. Pigeon
Lt Columbo
The Inspector Linley Mystery
Get Paid! Get Laid! Die!
Best Live Band
Arctic Chiefs
My Cordial Monkey
The Cobs
The Sobs
Mice
Men
The Steinbecks
Posh n’ Becks
Disco Tex & The Texan Rangers
Best Solo Artist
Kate Penate
Jack Nash
Jack Flash
Patrick Cox
Edward Fox
Edward Scissorhands
Amy T
Jamie P
KT Bee
QT Pye
Lily Langtree
Bonnie Langford
Bobbie Gentry
Gentleman Jim Corbett
Harry Corbett
Sooty
Sweep
Su Pollard
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Exit The Blu - 8 Dickheads!
The Blu Tung Clan’s first LP for over 70 years, ‘8 Dickheads’ has been hailed as a return to form for Canvey Island’s most notorious rap crew. But who are the Blu Tung Clan and what’s their favourite marsupial? WWJPD? gives you the ’low-down.’
The Zsa Zsa
Aka Bobby Ball, Prince Albert of Monaco, Zigga-Zagga-Zigga-Zagga-Oi-Oi-Oi, Divine Ruler Of The Masonic Third Entity, Emperor Poo-Poo Pants
The Blu-Tung Clan’s de-facto leader and production wizard, The Zsa Zsa (real name Arthur Eckersley) was born in Halifax and is largely responsible for the Clan’s ingenious use of samples from kitchen sink dramas such as Room At The Top, Kez and The Sex Lives Of The Potato Men. Now a successful actor he is currently appearing in Aladdin at the Bridlington Alhambra til Feb 2nd.
Favourite marsupial - The Wombat
Inspectah Morse
Aka Sweeney Todd The Demon Berber, Mr I’m Gonna Fuckin’ Kill Ya Stone Dead In A Minute Pal, Sir Lova Lova Peanutz, Kevin To His Mum
Morse is widely regarded as the DJ within the Blu Tang Clan although some claim he is infact the hidden genius of the group and a much under-rated rapper in his own right as ‘they call be Inspectah Morse cos I’m into opera of course, Mozart, Puccini all them cats have you seen my Wagnerian tatts?’ proves.
Favourite marsupial - the red kangaroo
The Zzza
Aka Sleepy G, Doze, Buddah’s Bezzy Mate, Masta Conqueror Of All Known Lands And Some Others You Probably Haven’t Heard Of, Lend Us A Fiver Fer A Cup O’Tea Pal, Oxo Head
The Zzza comes only second to The Zsa Zsa in Blu Tung hierarchy and can often be found in Regent’s Park Zoo filming his favourite animal, the fearsome Caucasus Mountain Goat who he believes has divine properties and acts as a conduit between Zzza’s stream of consciousness rhymes and the seventh dimension of bleat. As he put it on his acclaimed solo Lp ‘Liquid Lunch’: ‘no castle or moat can stand between me and my goat.’
Favourite marsupial - the koala
Masta Plumba
Aka Milk n’ Six Sugarz Love, It’ll Cost Ya, Phone Da Polaks Then See If I Care, Call It Three Hundred For Cash, MC Geoff.
Currently languishing in Belmarsh prison, after being charged with fraudulently replacing a 90 year old widow’s perfectly good combi-boiler with a hot water bottle, Masta Plumba is rarely seen in Blu Tung photos adding to his air of mystery. One person who does know him is former cell-mate and arsonist, Billy ‘Smokey’ Robertson who claims Plumba stole all his best rhymes from him. ‘I’m copper piping, while you’re just lead, install a dodgy heater you’re gonna end up dead’ that was one of mine, Robertson claimed from his padded cell.
Favourite Marsupial - the duck-billed platypus
U-Turn
Aka Golden Balls, Universal Studio Tour Day Pass, Pseudonymphomaniac, Mad Ankles
Serving ten life sentences for spitting on the sidewalk at the time of Blu Tung’s debut LP, ’Exit The Blu Tung; 36 Chambermaids’ U-Turn has now made a name for himself as possibly the daftest member of the Clan. Arrested on stage as he sang his signature tune, ’U-Turn If You Want To, This Rapper’s Not For Turning’ U-Turn turned stooly and grassed up leading members of the Bambino crime family before being placed on the Witness Protection programme (Rappers Division). It is believed Mad Ankles is now living as a painter and decorator in New Mexico.
Favourite marsupial - the Tasmanian devil.
KenHom (The Chef)
aka Joey Wok Hands, Lex Lucifer, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Sir Percival Price-Underwood Jnr
Ken’s solo Lp ‘Only Bought For Cuddly Bears’ is perhaps the finest of all the Blu Tung’s solo efforts and notoriously features ’The Chef’ cooking some instant noodles for his tea on the cover. Reportedly angry with Zsa Zsa for not paying for his butties on a Blu Tung outing to Gulliver’s World, it is feared that this potential split could result in the death of one of the most influential and entertaining rap bands ever to come ’Straight outa Canvey.’
Favourite marsupial - the now extinct marsupial wolf or thylacinus.
Silly Dead Twat (SDT)
aka O’Sillycunt, Archduke Ferdinand, King Kong Peartizer Bottlebank III, Grand Ole Opry
Is rolling in his grave.
Favourite marsupial - Unknown
The Zsa Zsa
Aka Bobby Ball, Prince Albert of Monaco, Zigga-Zagga-Zigga-Zagga-Oi-Oi-Oi, Divine Ruler Of The Masonic Third Entity, Emperor Poo-Poo Pants
The Blu-Tung Clan’s de-facto leader and production wizard, The Zsa Zsa (real name Arthur Eckersley) was born in Halifax and is largely responsible for the Clan’s ingenious use of samples from kitchen sink dramas such as Room At The Top, Kez and The Sex Lives Of The Potato Men. Now a successful actor he is currently appearing in Aladdin at the Bridlington Alhambra til Feb 2nd.
Favourite marsupial - The Wombat
Inspectah Morse
Aka Sweeney Todd The Demon Berber, Mr I’m Gonna Fuckin’ Kill Ya Stone Dead In A Minute Pal, Sir Lova Lova Peanutz, Kevin To His Mum
Morse is widely regarded as the DJ within the Blu Tang Clan although some claim he is infact the hidden genius of the group and a much under-rated rapper in his own right as ‘they call be Inspectah Morse cos I’m into opera of course, Mozart, Puccini all them cats have you seen my Wagnerian tatts?’ proves.
Favourite marsupial - the red kangaroo
The Zzza
Aka Sleepy G, Doze, Buddah’s Bezzy Mate, Masta Conqueror Of All Known Lands And Some Others You Probably Haven’t Heard Of, Lend Us A Fiver Fer A Cup O’Tea Pal, Oxo Head
The Zzza comes only second to The Zsa Zsa in Blu Tung hierarchy and can often be found in Regent’s Park Zoo filming his favourite animal, the fearsome Caucasus Mountain Goat who he believes has divine properties and acts as a conduit between Zzza’s stream of consciousness rhymes and the seventh dimension of bleat. As he put it on his acclaimed solo Lp ‘Liquid Lunch’: ‘no castle or moat can stand between me and my goat.’
Favourite marsupial - the koala
Masta Plumba
Aka Milk n’ Six Sugarz Love, It’ll Cost Ya, Phone Da Polaks Then See If I Care, Call It Three Hundred For Cash, MC Geoff.
Currently languishing in Belmarsh prison, after being charged with fraudulently replacing a 90 year old widow’s perfectly good combi-boiler with a hot water bottle, Masta Plumba is rarely seen in Blu Tung photos adding to his air of mystery. One person who does know him is former cell-mate and arsonist, Billy ‘Smokey’ Robertson who claims Plumba stole all his best rhymes from him. ‘I’m copper piping, while you’re just lead, install a dodgy heater you’re gonna end up dead’ that was one of mine, Robertson claimed from his padded cell.
Favourite Marsupial - the duck-billed platypus
U-Turn
Aka Golden Balls, Universal Studio Tour Day Pass, Pseudonymphomaniac, Mad Ankles
Serving ten life sentences for spitting on the sidewalk at the time of Blu Tung’s debut LP, ’Exit The Blu Tung; 36 Chambermaids’ U-Turn has now made a name for himself as possibly the daftest member of the Clan. Arrested on stage as he sang his signature tune, ’U-Turn If You Want To, This Rapper’s Not For Turning’ U-Turn turned stooly and grassed up leading members of the Bambino crime family before being placed on the Witness Protection programme (Rappers Division). It is believed Mad Ankles is now living as a painter and decorator in New Mexico.
Favourite marsupial - the Tasmanian devil.
KenHom (The Chef)
aka Joey Wok Hands, Lex Lucifer, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Sir Percival Price-Underwood Jnr
Ken’s solo Lp ‘Only Bought For Cuddly Bears’ is perhaps the finest of all the Blu Tung’s solo efforts and notoriously features ’The Chef’ cooking some instant noodles for his tea on the cover. Reportedly angry with Zsa Zsa for not paying for his butties on a Blu Tung outing to Gulliver’s World, it is feared that this potential split could result in the death of one of the most influential and entertaining rap bands ever to come ’Straight outa Canvey.’
Favourite marsupial - the now extinct marsupial wolf or thylacinus.
Silly Dead Twat (SDT)
aka O’Sillycunt, Archduke Ferdinand, King Kong Peartizer Bottlebank III, Grand Ole Opry
Is rolling in his grave.
Favourite marsupial - Unknown
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
Bear Dressed As Artist Wins Turner Prize
This year’s Turner Prize has been won by Mark Grizzly, a 48 year old bear who’s film, ‘Dickhead’ features Grizzly dressed an artist wandering around a deserted zoo. He said the film was inspired by his time as a young bear in Berlin zoo.
‘My work explores themes of captivity and containment, of what is natural and unnatural, what is it to be a bear, what is it to be an artist, what is nature and what is art? Fuck knows! I want viewers of this film to question their own identity, are they human or are they bears, are they free or are they trapped? Fucked if I know!
Within us all there is a sense of confusion, of disillusion, of dislocation, we are all in one sense a bear dressed as an artist wandering around a deserted zoo, over nine days. That’s what I’m trying to say; are we the zookeepers of our own souls or are we simply just life-forms with preordained paths to death? Who gives a fuck?
By adopting the identity of an artist, I unburden myself from the shackles of beardom, I no longer have to catch salmon swimming upstream, knock over bins in remote Alaskan towns and shit in the woods, I can wander past the tiger sanctuary and the elephant house and the shitty little bit with the goats and the guinea pigs where all the little bastards scoff their chips and burgers.
Isn’t the world just one big zoo? Aren’t we all caged in some respects? Who are we, where did we come from and where are we going? All the usual shit artists spout when trying to explain their third-rate conceptualist bullshit. But isn’t that the point? What is art? What is a pic-er-nic? Boo Boo! Here comes the ranger.”
The Turner prize judges commended Grizzly’s work saying, ‘Mark‘s work is at once pretentious and yet totally meaningless, it is for us to inject meaning into the work, to interpret his art via our prejudices and cultural responses towards bears and indeed zoos and er, life n’ stuff. Look, there’s Dennis Hopper, Dennis sign my programme!’
Marcel Duchamp was unavailable for comment.
‘My work explores themes of captivity and containment, of what is natural and unnatural, what is it to be a bear, what is it to be an artist, what is nature and what is art? Fuck knows! I want viewers of this film to question their own identity, are they human or are they bears, are they free or are they trapped? Fucked if I know!
Within us all there is a sense of confusion, of disillusion, of dislocation, we are all in one sense a bear dressed as an artist wandering around a deserted zoo, over nine days. That’s what I’m trying to say; are we the zookeepers of our own souls or are we simply just life-forms with preordained paths to death? Who gives a fuck?
By adopting the identity of an artist, I unburden myself from the shackles of beardom, I no longer have to catch salmon swimming upstream, knock over bins in remote Alaskan towns and shit in the woods, I can wander past the tiger sanctuary and the elephant house and the shitty little bit with the goats and the guinea pigs where all the little bastards scoff their chips and burgers.
Isn’t the world just one big zoo? Aren’t we all caged in some respects? Who are we, where did we come from and where are we going? All the usual shit artists spout when trying to explain their third-rate conceptualist bullshit. But isn’t that the point? What is art? What is a pic-er-nic? Boo Boo! Here comes the ranger.”
The Turner prize judges commended Grizzly’s work saying, ‘Mark‘s work is at once pretentious and yet totally meaningless, it is for us to inject meaning into the work, to interpret his art via our prejudices and cultural responses towards bears and indeed zoos and er, life n’ stuff. Look, there’s Dennis Hopper, Dennis sign my programme!’
Marcel Duchamp was unavailable for comment.
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Harry Redknapp Pleads Innocence
In a statement to reporters outside Portsmouth nick, Pompey boss Harry Redknapp handcuffed to a railing, denied being linked to corrupt transfer deals.
Mr Redknapp, 60, said:
"Just because I've been arrested and questioned by the police doesn't mean I've been questioned or arrested. Ofcourse the police have to arrest you before they can question you, that's the law! But just because you've been arrested and questioned doesn't mean that you've been questioned or arrested, not in law anyhow. That's just hearsay. I'm not directly involved in any of this and whoever says I am is indirectly calling me a liar. I'm not a liar and I repeat, I am not directly or even indirectly involved in this matter, it's other people who are involved, not me or Jamie or my missus or Louise. None of us, OK? This whole thing doesn't concern me, it's nothing to me with me at all which is why the police had to arrest me and take me to the police station to question me, to prove I'm innocent! That's just procedure. I've been cleared of not having anything to do with all this this once and that's good enough for me. Whatever it is they were saying I didn't do, that is. It wasn't me, it was other people who weren't doing it and that's all I'm prepared to say. Now hopefully we can put all this behind me, all this stuff I didn't do but other people did, and I can get on with ruling myself out of the England job yet again even though no-one's asked me to manage England but even if they did, I'm not interested OK?"
Paul Bullshit, the solicitor representing Mr Redknapp, said:
"The inquiries do not relate to my client, they relate to entirely different individuals. We will ofcourse do everything we can to assist the police in their inquiries as anyone not involved in something would only naturally do in such circumstances. Mr Redknapp is very tired and would like everyone to know that he isn't the slightest bit interested in the England job and this whole farce has only strenghtened his resolve not to take on the one job in football he definatelyy doesn't want."
Sam Allardyce has gone into hiding.
Mr Redknapp, 60, said:
"Just because I've been arrested and questioned by the police doesn't mean I've been questioned or arrested. Ofcourse the police have to arrest you before they can question you, that's the law! But just because you've been arrested and questioned doesn't mean that you've been questioned or arrested, not in law anyhow. That's just hearsay. I'm not directly involved in any of this and whoever says I am is indirectly calling me a liar. I'm not a liar and I repeat, I am not directly or even indirectly involved in this matter, it's other people who are involved, not me or Jamie or my missus or Louise. None of us, OK? This whole thing doesn't concern me, it's nothing to me with me at all which is why the police had to arrest me and take me to the police station to question me, to prove I'm innocent! That's just procedure. I've been cleared of not having anything to do with all this this once and that's good enough for me. Whatever it is they were saying I didn't do, that is. It wasn't me, it was other people who weren't doing it and that's all I'm prepared to say. Now hopefully we can put all this behind me, all this stuff I didn't do but other people did, and I can get on with ruling myself out of the England job yet again even though no-one's asked me to manage England but even if they did, I'm not interested OK?"
Paul Bullshit, the solicitor representing Mr Redknapp, said:
"The inquiries do not relate to my client, they relate to entirely different individuals. We will ofcourse do everything we can to assist the police in their inquiries as anyone not involved in something would only naturally do in such circumstances. Mr Redknapp is very tired and would like everyone to know that he isn't the slightest bit interested in the England job and this whole farce has only strenghtened his resolve not to take on the one job in football he definatelyy doesn't want."
Sam Allardyce has gone into hiding.
Monday, 26 November 2007
Free Speech Campaigners Protest About Free Speech Debate
The Oxford Union is under mounting pressure to withdraw its invitation to the two controversial figures for a freedom of speech event at its debating society.
Hundreds of free speech campaigners were planning to gather outside the debating chamber to jeer the arrival of two men whose opinions they don’t agree with.
The decision to invite the pair, made after a vote among members of the debating society, has already outraged equalities watchdog chief Trevor Phillips and prompted a senior Tory MP to resign his life membership of the Union.
Trevor Phillips said,
“It’s a disgrace that this pair whose opinions are not shared by myself and many others are being allowed to debate about freedom of expression. We didn’t fight two world wars against those who sought to curtail our freedom of speech only to let two people speak about their abhorrent beliefs in front of educated university students.
What the Oxford Union must realise is that are limits to the freedom of speech. It’s appalling that this pair are sharing a stage that has been graced by fundamentalist religious fanatics such as Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama. Expressing your beliefs whatever they are, is a privilege not a right and it‘s a right I think it‘s only right to take away from people who believe things that I personally find offensive.”
Oxford Union debating chair, Barnaby Furore defended his decision to invite the controversial speakers.
“I think it’s right in any democracy to listen to the arguments and then decide. Personally I don’t have any political beliefs or moral compass which is why I’m New Labour’s prospective candidate for Sidmouth. At the end of the day, it’s all about bums on seats. We’ve had P. Diddy here to rap about black emancipation through rampant materialism and that bird from Girls Aloud, the Geordie one with the lovely arse who spoke about feminist pluralism in a post-structuralist society and they were both sell-outs.
OK so these fellars believe that the Holocaust didn’t happen but is that any worse than believing in Santa, the tooth fairy or a primitive system of superstitious mind-control disguised as a moral framework to defend the economic interests of western capitalism?”
David Irving was unavailable for comment. Nick Griffin’s views have been censored by the WWJPD editor.
Hundreds of free speech campaigners were planning to gather outside the debating chamber to jeer the arrival of two men whose opinions they don’t agree with.
The decision to invite the pair, made after a vote among members of the debating society, has already outraged equalities watchdog chief Trevor Phillips and prompted a senior Tory MP to resign his life membership of the Union.
Trevor Phillips said,
“It’s a disgrace that this pair whose opinions are not shared by myself and many others are being allowed to debate about freedom of expression. We didn’t fight two world wars against those who sought to curtail our freedom of speech only to let two people speak about their abhorrent beliefs in front of educated university students.
What the Oxford Union must realise is that are limits to the freedom of speech. It’s appalling that this pair are sharing a stage that has been graced by fundamentalist religious fanatics such as Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama. Expressing your beliefs whatever they are, is a privilege not a right and it‘s a right I think it‘s only right to take away from people who believe things that I personally find offensive.”
Oxford Union debating chair, Barnaby Furore defended his decision to invite the controversial speakers.
“I think it’s right in any democracy to listen to the arguments and then decide. Personally I don’t have any political beliefs or moral compass which is why I’m New Labour’s prospective candidate for Sidmouth. At the end of the day, it’s all about bums on seats. We’ve had P. Diddy here to rap about black emancipation through rampant materialism and that bird from Girls Aloud, the Geordie one with the lovely arse who spoke about feminist pluralism in a post-structuralist society and they were both sell-outs.
OK so these fellars believe that the Holocaust didn’t happen but is that any worse than believing in Santa, the tooth fairy or a primitive system of superstitious mind-control disguised as a moral framework to defend the economic interests of western capitalism?”
David Irving was unavailable for comment. Nick Griffin’s views have been censored by the WWJPD editor.
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Steve McClaren Blamed For All World's Ills
England manager, Steve McClaren has been sacked by the FA after admitting his part in various national and international cock-ups, fuck-ups and failures.
The balding scapegoat held up his hands to the following crimes :
* Sub-prime mortgage lending crisis
* The Child Benefit ’missing disc’ scandal
* London’s failing transport system
* Bird Flu
* Twatting Lady Di’s car a few years back and doing a runner
* The disappearance of Maddy McCann
* The Bangladeshi floods
* Childhood obesity
* Leona Lewis getting to No 1
* Italian football violence
* Titty Bang Bang getting a second series
* Internet kiddy porn
* The kidnapping and beheading of Ken Bigley
* The recent outbreak of foot and mouth and blue tongue
* The black death
* The Holocaust
* Casting Jude Law in Sleuth!
* Scrappy Doo
* Selecting Scott Carson as England goalie
FA chief executive Brian Blame told reporters.
“I spoke to Steve this morning and wished him well in his next job as hair stylist to ageing teds the world over. However, you can’t make films as bad as Sleuth, wipe out half the population of Europe in one fail swoop, kidnap and behead grabbing scouse contract workers and pick untested goalies like Scott Carson in vital qualifying matches and expect to stay in a job.”
McClaren was unavailable for comment but his wife shouted at reporters through the window of her Middlesbrough semi
“Leave my Steve alone you bastards, they’re trying to pin everything on him and he‘s done fuck all wrong…..apart from picking Scott Carson like, can’t swerve that one.”
The balding scapegoat held up his hands to the following crimes :
* Sub-prime mortgage lending crisis
* The Child Benefit ’missing disc’ scandal
* London’s failing transport system
* Bird Flu
* Twatting Lady Di’s car a few years back and doing a runner
* The disappearance of Maddy McCann
* The Bangladeshi floods
* Childhood obesity
* Leona Lewis getting to No 1
* Italian football violence
* Titty Bang Bang getting a second series
* Internet kiddy porn
* The kidnapping and beheading of Ken Bigley
* The recent outbreak of foot and mouth and blue tongue
* The black death
* The Holocaust
* Casting Jude Law in Sleuth!
* Scrappy Doo
* Selecting Scott Carson as England goalie
FA chief executive Brian Blame told reporters.
“I spoke to Steve this morning and wished him well in his next job as hair stylist to ageing teds the world over. However, you can’t make films as bad as Sleuth, wipe out half the population of Europe in one fail swoop, kidnap and behead grabbing scouse contract workers and pick untested goalies like Scott Carson in vital qualifying matches and expect to stay in a job.”
McClaren was unavailable for comment but his wife shouted at reporters through the window of her Middlesbrough semi
“Leave my Steve alone you bastards, they’re trying to pin everything on him and he‘s done fuck all wrong…..apart from picking Scott Carson like, can’t swerve that one.”
Monday, 19 November 2007
Heather Mills Says 'Stop Pissing!'
Heather Mills has called on people to cut down on pissing to save the planet.
Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife says that pissing is the second biggest cause of greenhouse gases.
Her campaign, which will include a protest piss at Speakers' Corner in Hyde Park, comes just days after the ex-model sparked concern with an emotional and highly charged blitz of interviews in which she accused Sir Paul of 'pissing about fifteen times an hour, just to piss her off.'
Today Heather, 39, called on consumers to adopt more of a piss-less based lifestyle.
She said animal rights organisation Viva alerted her to the extent of the effect of piss on global warming.
She said: "When Viva told me it was 18 per cent, that's more than all shit and puke put together, I was in shock. Sneezing only bring 3 per cent, while they are being picked on with anti-sneeze taxes and yet the shocking level of piss in society seems to be accepted."
She called on people to "cut down on one or two pisses a week", adding: "I'm not saying people need to stop pissing overnight."
Heather said: "We are the only species that pisses when we don’t really need to, rat's don’t piss when they don’t need to, neither do dogs or cats or ostriches or elephants or chimps or slugs or centipedes, that's how crazy it is!"
"It's mad that we are pissing all the time when even cows don't piss after one year but we continue forever."
She said: "As individuals, and hopefully within your family, you can reduce global warming by reducing your pissing or by stopping pissing altogether less rather than rely on governments who talk and talk but do piss all about it."
Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife says that pissing is the second biggest cause of greenhouse gases.
Her campaign, which will include a protest piss at Speakers' Corner in Hyde Park, comes just days after the ex-model sparked concern with an emotional and highly charged blitz of interviews in which she accused Sir Paul of 'pissing about fifteen times an hour, just to piss her off.'
Today Heather, 39, called on consumers to adopt more of a piss-less based lifestyle.
She said animal rights organisation Viva alerted her to the extent of the effect of piss on global warming.
She said: "When Viva told me it was 18 per cent, that's more than all shit and puke put together, I was in shock. Sneezing only bring 3 per cent, while they are being picked on with anti-sneeze taxes and yet the shocking level of piss in society seems to be accepted."
She called on people to "cut down on one or two pisses a week", adding: "I'm not saying people need to stop pissing overnight."
Heather said: "We are the only species that pisses when we don’t really need to, rat's don’t piss when they don’t need to, neither do dogs or cats or ostriches or elephants or chimps or slugs or centipedes, that's how crazy it is!"
"It's mad that we are pissing all the time when even cows don't piss after one year but we continue forever."
She said: "As individuals, and hopefully within your family, you can reduce global warming by reducing your pissing or by stopping pissing altogether less rather than rely on governments who talk and talk but do piss all about it."
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