Muslim Extremists Target Foetuses Shock Claim

MI5’s new boss , Jonathan Haventgotaclue sensationally claimed that Muslim extremists are now recruiting foetuses in their sick crusade against democracy and modern cutlery. Speaking at a specially arranged press conference organised to improve Havenoideawhoheis’s public profile, while at the same time bolstering the government’s war on ragheads, the nation’s top spook warned that sick terror bosses were playing hate filled speeches by Islamist fundamentalists to pregnant Muslim women for up to ten hours a day in order to indoctrinate their unborn children.

They then plan to recruit the fanatical, democracy-despising toddlers as potential suicide bombers who can easily infiltrate pre-school nurseries and playgroups, detonating specially designed semtex filled nappies in a wave of baby bombing evil. The new Secret Service boss also claimed that the recent plague of harlequin ladybirds had been spearheaded by Al Qaeda in a bid to kill off native western species of ladybirds and other insects, thereby upsetting the delicate eco-systems of democratic nations, thus making it far easier for foreign ‘sand inhabiting species’ to spread their hate filled agenda amongst the undergrowth.

“Make no mistake,” Whothefuckinghellareyou warned, “these evil merchants of horror will stop at nothing, even using babies and sub-species of beetles to do their dirty work. This is a fight against fanatics and zealots who despise everything about our way of life; Tesco, Strictly Come Dancing, Yorkshire Pudding and moaning about immigrants. They want to wipe all that out and replace it with stoning nine year old girls to death for wetting the bed and eating sheep’s eyes for breakfast, dinner and tea.”

Liberty spokesperson, Shami Jobforlifeski responded,

“We have seen no evidence to support Mr Whatsisnameagain’s fanciful accusations but that’s not to say that it isn’t true and y‘know the security services do a wonderful job and I don‘t want to sound like yet another whining Paki so I say send em back where they came from. Polish fucks!”