Joy As Northwich Win Games Announced

Northwich’s bid to host the 2088 Cheshire Games has ended in triumph. The small mid-Cheshire town beat off stiff competition from likes of Middlewich, Congleton, Alsager and bookie’s favourite, Macclesfield in a meeting of the Cheshire Games Federation delegates at the Crewe Travel Lodge. The Northwich bid won by 15 votes to Macclesfield’s 3.

Northwich’s mayor, Arthur Kelsall hailed his town’s victory and pledged : ’We will make these games the greatest sporting event our town has ever seen. This will be our chance to show the whole county the very best of Northwich. This is great news for everyone in the area not only Northwich but Witton too. We‘ve been planning to re-roof all the council houses for years now but never had the funds. Now that we‘ve won the games, we can now install central heating in the town hall and even get some decent turf for the pitch and put course.”

The result was greeted with cheers of joy from the Northwich bid team in Crewe and there were scenes of mass jubilation on the streets of Northwich as the news was broadcast live on the tellys in Currys on High Street. One onlooker, a bemused Polish factory worker, Josef Djovkoz hugged local paedophile, Kenneth Grice and cried as the decision was announced.

“I don’t know what all this means yet I am so very happy” the happy migrant leech wept. Yet some residents remained sceptical.
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about” said Joan Burton, “it was held in Tarporley last year and they promised the world, said they’d put double glazing in the old people’s homes, new bus-stops in the village centre and hanging baskets outside the market but it never happened. And who’s gonna feed all these people eh? The council tax payer that’s who!”

Disappointed Macclesfield bid leader and chair of the South Cheshire Business Forum Against Blacks Campaign, John Halfpenny MBE congratulated Northwich on their victory:

“It was close and I’m sure Congleton’s vote was bought and paid for months ago but I’m not accusing anyone of bribery, Northwich won fair and square, it’s just a pity that we won’t be able to afford all those new sports centres, hospital wings and schools we promised. Has anyone got the Heritage Lottery Fund’s number handy?”